What if??

About a week ago a friend and I were consoling each other after a particularly harrowing day with the littles in our lives. The best tactic to talk one off of this type of ledge is to think ahead to greener pastures… we will often muse about what exemplary, capable, upstanding men they will one day become and how we will then look back with laughter on these days of *extreme* frustration at their misguided and tiresome shenanigans, tantrums, and the tears… oh, the tears…

We jokingly wondered what would happen if despite all our best efforts and intentions, we were not able to steer these little boy ships in the right direction. What if their lives did not end up going down a straight path, but rather a winding and difficult one?

I’m sure you’ve been there. Parents are good at catastrophizing… it’s one of the genes that kicks in along with guilt sometime in the first or second trimester of pregnancy. What if? What if my kids get in to trouble? What if they don’t have good friends? What if they don’t do well in school? What if they can’t get a job? What if? What if? What if?!!! I could drive myself crazy… I really could.

Most of the time I am able to stave off these fears. I am able to remind myself to pray. To believe. To trust. The one who made him loves him even more than I do. The eternal plans He has for him are good.

Cole loves school. He can’t wait to start grade 1 and looked forward to going to kindergarten as much on his last day as he did way back in August of 2010… that makes me smile.

Jake loves school. He thinks preschool is his own personal social club and is already talking about the kids he plans to meet in September… that makes me smile.

I had the pleasure of spending the morning this past weekend with some of Cole’s buddies from school for his birthday party and I was DELIGHTED with these little boys. They were all lovely little people. Cole is choosing wonderful friends… that makes me smile.

Both boys love animals and love the planet. They are kind and respectful to our pets (ahem… sheepish grin… most of the time… Jake has an issue with the cat and sometimes confuses Sam for a calf requiring roping… but that’s a different story…), and have special relationships with them… that makes me smile.

All in all, I can usually say, “so far, so good.”

Yet, sometimes, I am kept awake – and what keeps me up is fear. What keeps me up is self-doubt. You see, somewhere between 6 years ago and now, some part of my self-image, some part of my belief in myself, some part of my value got intimately intertwined with my children. Somewhere between then and now, I started believing that my “success” as a person, as a mother, as a wife… who I am… has something to do with my kids “success” in life too. And that, my friends, is a lie. I love my kids. I would die for my kids. I’m serious. I would. But, there will come a day when my love and devotion to my kids will not be enough. There will come a day when they will need to make a choice to go left or right. Straight or around many bends. Rocks or pavement. Easy or hard. They will make those choices. Alone. I hope that I will have helped them to develop a strong sense of character and values so that those choices will come easily to them and they will not suffer the consequences of choosing unwisely. However, as greatly as I desire that for them, I desire that for myself. I hope that as I watch them walk through life, I will have the strength of character and strong resolve to allow them to grow through experiences. That I will be able to continue to teach them that our love for and devotion to one another is not dependent on these “successes” or “failures” in life, but that we will walk side by side as we navigate whatever life brings. I think that is truth. I think that is the real goal… Not that we judge ourselves by the “rightness” or “wrongness” of the choices our children make (or that we make!), but that we continue doing what we can to love them (and ourselves) regardless of those choices. Then, we can celebrate both their successes and their trials as opportunities to become exactly who we were and are meant to be.

So. I’m done with the fussing about what “might” happen. I’m done with the What ifs. I’m simply going to do my best. My best love. My best teaching. My best presence. For as long as they will let me. And then… and then I’ll let their lives run their course. And I’ll keep running mine. I hope you are running yours.