Compulsion

Com*pul*sion: (noun) an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one’s conscious wishes.

Sometime in the blogging world circa 2012…

I do projects. A lot of projects. Health and fitness projects. Home making projects. Parenting projects. Pet projects. Educational projects. I do projects. Usually long ones.  

This may not seem to you to be problematic, and certainly not harmful. These are good and noble goals. A person can be proud of such things. Well, that’s true. A person could. If a person were doing those things for the good and noble reasons mentioned. But, what if, on the contrary, a person moved through decades of life completing one grandiose project after another, for entirely different reasons altogether?

Oh sure, there are always good reasons for doing any number of things that in themselves are not harmful… and might even be helpful. The problem is, that if I were doing any one of my “projects” for those reasons, completing the project should fulfill that goal. It should spur me on to another goal in the same light, or to feel satisfied that I have accomplished the task and can now move on… But that is never what happens to me. I finish my projects, usually very well, and within weeks, sometimes days, I am left feeling uneasy. Unsettled. Unsatisfied. The project was not enough. So, I begin a search for another task. A bigger task. A better task. One that is even more taxing physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. So there it is. I have a compulsion. A compulsion to fill my time with an endless myriad of very time-consuming projects.

I wrote those words sometime in 2012 after completing my first (and LAST, Thank. You. Very. Much!!!) full marathon.

It was fun for me to read, because I wondered if I had learned much since then. It seems that I have been on a quest for quite some time to really find and fulfill my unique purpose in this life. I realize now that the first hurdle along that journey was to put my compulsion to DO at bay, and instead to focus on something wholly new and unheard of to me… I will be content. TODAY.

Content in knowing that my life is unfolding just as it should. That the small things I do well and with great care make a difference in my own life and in the lives of those I touch. I will believe the mantras I have repeated so many times to others.

I am where I am meant to be.

There is no one keeping score of my achievements and failures.

I will wait patiently and follow the path that is in front of me with confidence without creating for myself extra pain, stress, or sleepless nights!

I will be content with who and what I am.

And I will see where the road leads…

…without railroading myself into yet another obnoxiously long project that I come to despise once I am through!

Does that mean that I will be idle, never again attempting a grand gesture, a daring plan? By no means! However, I will patiently wait on the Lord. I will wait, watch, and be fulfilled with how things ARE, rather than wishing for how things could be. Because I believe that it is in that state of waiting quietly and expectantly that great things could be accomplished through me. And when I am once again lead in the direction of a new pursuit, I will obediently follow. Cautiously. Yes. Carefully. Yes. Without rushing in and without attempting to quench an unseen thirst. I will endeavour to honestly evaluate every choice, every potential project and time filler that I might bring upon myself.

Here’s the question I am trying to ask myself more often: Am I compulsively filling my days with endless pursuits and great opportunities just to avoid living the life that I already have?

Have a beautiful, messy, imperfect day today. It’s the only day that really counts!

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